I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Discuss
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.