When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?