I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
You Might Also Like
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*jingles half the way*
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I had to Stop for this
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
That’s fair
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.