Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.