Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!