Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles