My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
🤣🤣🤣
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.