“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My what?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA