Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My sex drive has a dui
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.