Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
couldn’t resist
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.