Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Oh we’ve met.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.