Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.