I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried