[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
You Might Also Like
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance