I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Always leave them wanting their money back.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.