Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I hope they boil the right one.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
What
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[montage of me giving-up]
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”