– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
his wife is probably gonna see that
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.