For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Welcome to the stomach
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg