Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.