I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?