There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.