My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Education is vital
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Comparing yourself to others
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
doing your own taxes
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars