God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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I occasionally drink every single night.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing