We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Have a lovely day 😊
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.