I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them