Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
How dramatic are you?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….