Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family