People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
i wish we could shoplift online
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“I wouldn’t.”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂