If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting