I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.