Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I am HOWLING at this
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄