Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
*pronounces patio like ratio
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.