I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa