Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.