Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
(Gaming support cat.)
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
tinder is all about the long game
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.