My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
You Might Also Like
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”