Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.