I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
You Might Also Like
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
How long do you have to wait between naps?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Harsh but fair
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Feels like the fourth month in January