Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I missed you with all my darts
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?