I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
just got my engagement photos
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Well well well…
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
What even happened today?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
moms in horror movies
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!