horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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o
o
o
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