How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
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Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front