Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Things will get butter, keep churning
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear