11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Trying
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.