I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.