[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.