I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
For anyone who needs this today
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.