He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
A great tip. #CakeRex
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY