Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.