Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.